This post is a divergence from my SOP. I was inspired by Elon Musk’s “Chainsaw performance,” John Oliver’s wondering if Elon believed the sound a chainsaw made was actually “CHAINSAW!!!”
A dumb centibillionaire who has never used his hands to perform any form of physical labour in his life (okay… this is paraphrased and updated for today’s modern world) stormed into a chainsaw store with a chainsaw in his hands and an angry expression on his face.
He scouted the store for the first salesperson he could spot and stomped his way toward him.
He shouted in a loud enough voice for the patrons in the bowling alley next door to be disrupted and miss their throws that he was angry and wanted his money back.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the nervous salesman who readied a can of pepper spray in his pocket in case he would need to defend himself from a raging lunatic.
“I paid good money for this piece of crap and it doesn’t work! I spent an hour last night testing it out and couldn’t even cut through a two-by-four!! This is a piece of crap and a waste of my money and my time. I want to be compensated for the hours of my life that I will never get back!!!”
“I’m sorry for your troubles, sir, but may I inspect the machinery to see if I can spot the problem?”
Reluctantly, the entitled asshat relented, “Fine!” He snorted. “Waste more of my time. Waste as much as you want because my lawyer will bill you for my valuable time!”
The salesman held his hands out to receive the chainsaw and it was thrust against him so hard that his chest heaved out what was left of his breath inside to force him to sputter a short cough.
“Okay, sir. Thank you. Let’s have a look at this, now, shall we?”
“Okay. Fine! Go ahead! Prove that it’s a piece of shit!”
The salesman grabbed the handle on the pulley to start up the saw and it quickly started up with a roar.
The centibillionaire jumped back in shock and yelled, “What the hell was that sound?!?!”
While “field-testing” this joke on Quora, I got the impression that a few people might not get the punchline. That’s okay. Just give it some time while you envision how the centibillionaire might have been trying to cut wood without the chainsaw making a sound. Once you get it, you’ll let out a guffaw. I guarantee it because the image it invokes in my mind of someone trying to cut wood without starting up the chainsaw is still hilarious decades later. I could be wrong, though; if all it generates for you is a groan, then c’est la vie. It’s Monday, and I tried to give you a chuckle for your day. It’s the thought that counts — amirite? No? Dang.
thotbag 